Monday, August 10, 2009

The Longest Mile

As I was looking back at my inactive blog I realized I had begun a post last August but never finished it. As I sat here reading I nearly deleted it but feel as if the Lord would want me to go ahead and post it. I continue to learn that our transparency as Christ-followers is not only refreshing, but encouraging. There's nothing fake or phony about what you are about to read. It's the journey of then ... and when you get to the end, I'll bring you to now.

If you know me very well at all, you know that I absolutely LOVE to exercise. One of my favorite things in the world is to power walk with either one of my besties, or my daughters. This summer the heat has been beyond HOT, so needless to say that last mile is by far the longest.

You may (or may not) have noticed that I haven't blogged in nearly four months. I have felt like this past season of my life has been the longest EVER. Not that it's over, by any stretch of the means, but there is a heaviness that has been lifted and the freeze I've felt from expressing my heart on this site has been overtaken by a sweet desire to let some of this out.

I'm liable to start squalling at any minute ... so it's a rather good thing that you're on the other side and can't see my tears. The past week or so, I've had more than my fair share of outbursts of what I call "the ugly cry." But I've also learned that tears are a good thing (Jesus wept for crying out loud) and there is tremendous healing in allowing the pain the is felt within the heart to be poured out.

I don't want, or need to give you details of where I've been, all that I've been walking through and the many ways I've seen my faith be tested -- but what I will tell you is even through this painfully hard season of surrender and letting go, I have found Jesus Christ to be nothing but faithful.

And let me mention tender. On Saturday, I realized that for the first time in 20 years as a Follower-of-Christ that I was actually angry at God. Now don't fall off your chair and scream "blasphemy." I was angry at man ... and as I allowed myself to get real with the woman in the mirror, I also acknowledged that I was marginally angry at God. Okay, I was full-blown MAD at Him. As I beat my hands into the carpet and sobbed before Him, I literally felt Him hold me and tell me that He understood. Most High God, Creator of heaven and earth, okay with me, His child ... being so angry over His decision that surely wasn't mine.

If you're reading this, you are just going to have to trust me when I say that I'm not quite there yet, but I'm wrestling this thing through with Him so that eventually, I can rest in Him. I trust His heart. I believe He is good. I know Him well enough to know that He is working ... even though I can't see.

Several years ago while participating in Beth Moore's "Believing God" Bible study, I learned some of the most powerful statements of faith. I want to close with where I'm standing firm:

God is who He says He is.

God can do what He says He can do.

I am who God says I am.

I can do all things through Christ.

God's Word is alive and active in me.

I'm believing God.

Life is a journey, friends. It's up and it's down. It's the good, the bad ... and the ugly. It's seasons of sweet victory and it's seasons of potential defeat (thanks, Satan). But this I know for sure: "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." (Galatians 2:20)

Six months have passed since I put ink (or keys) to what was stirring in my heart. What an incredible journey it's been. God's taken away ... and He's given. He's brought change. He's made new assignments. He's blessed. He's also chiseled and sanded - beyond painful at times. The past six months have felt like the very last mile on a blistery-hot day. The pain from some wounds cut deep. The doubts and, yes, even fear that closed in at times made me question many things. But God remains God. Faithful, loving, tender, merciful God. Fully aware of where I've been, and even more aware of where I'm headed.

The lessons learned during this time, both about self ... man and God have been many. What a work in progress I am. So far to go. But this one thing I know: I will go. I will not quit. I refuse to give the enemy the pleasure of knowing that in the midst of his havoc, that he won. I am more than a conqueror because of Christ Jesus. I will no longer put my eyes on man, but on God. I am resolved, that no matter what, I will serve Him with my whole heart. Wherever He leads me, for how long He leaves me. I will serve Him.

Life is all about seasons, friend. So whether you've got one mile left in front of you or 100, grab His hand and go for it. You may not have any idea what's ahead or around the bend ... but He does. Hold on tight for the journey and trust Him every step of the way. And don't forget the water. You'll need lots of water!

1 comment:

  1. I loved, loved, loved this post and love even more that you're blogging again. You have been on such a journey, but look at where the Lord has brought you and I KNOW He's not through yet. I love you, Mom and Naunie. We're all so proud of you!